If it were Mono, you'd be singing a different tune.

I'm sick.


I've been hacking up a lung (or rather the contents OF my lungs) for going on a week now. I have a very serious phobia distrust of doctors, so I haven't paid one out-the-nose-in-outrageous-fees-nigh-unto-the-giving-him/her-my-firstborn-child for his/her input yet. That said, this isn't a real and proper diagnosis, but I'm pretty sure I have a cold.


The common cold.


I also know it's a cold because 8 of the 24 residents at work are similarly diseased. (Note: I work at a residential treatment center for adolescent boys). And, for the record, they were thus long before this blog post was even a twinkle in my eye (the same eye that is now heavily clouded by various OTC codeines).


This means that no matter how prudish I am about germs...



No matter the great care I take to washing my own hands...

   

No matter the pains I go through to provide buckets of hand sanitizer for them and the staff we hire...







- - those teenage boys' infectious parts have mocked my every effort and won the battle. My feelings are a little hurt.


And that's the truth. It's a common cold that I got by commonly going to my common job. 


At least this time last year I could pretend it was the beginning of H1N1 (Swine Flu) and get a little sympathy out of the deal. (If not sympathy, then a little peace and quiet. No one came near me for 7 glorious days.)  - No such luck this year.... So. I'm left contemplating the idea of blaming Mono instead. 


I would much rather tell people I have Mono over a cold, any day. ... Why?  


First, that implies I must have gotten sick via some deviant kissing. I must have kissed 30 men (or more) to have found "the kissing disease", those are the odds they tell me. And, let's face it, no one's reputation could be so hurt by a little more accusational kissing. 


Second, there is a guy with whom I work already out sick with Mono. His misfortune conveniently supports mine and adds a plot-twist I could have only wished for. The rumors that would spread around my place of work would be well worth the possible character loss. (It doesn't suck to be the only one SINGLE in your office if you actually have a love life.) 


Third, the infection time for Mono typically lasts about a month... longer in some cases! I could milk the Mono story for a mid-winter vacation! Tell me it's not better for my Mono on the sunny beaches of California! ... I can hardly move anyway, may as well have something nice to look at! 


Most importantly: People would not have a audacity to call me, or my ailments, common. 


Because I am anything but common. And wheezing when I talk, breathe, laugh, cry, sing, burp, or sleep is anything but common. Thank you.


*This message was brought to you by the wonder of Equate-brand NyQuil.* 


-Mag.