Speed Dating: 27 reasons my married friends should stay married.

Sadly, I've had far too many conversations with disgruntled-married-friends lately. I can't exactly relate as I'm not currently (nor have I ever been) married. Nonetheless, I am a compassionate friend. I listen, agree when necessary, offer to hide bodies if applicable, regurgitate Dr. Phil-isms when the moment permits, and over-all help them feel like "everything will work out fine.", no matter the circumstance.

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However. Even in my moments of compassion, there are times that I have the urge to slap each and every one of them across the face, hard. Especially when they say to me "Oh, sometimes I wish I were single again. You make it look so fun.". Okay, maybe they don't always say that last part, but it must be true since they seem to glorify my dating-life (or lack thereof).

Recently I rediscovered (for my disgruntled married friends) 27 more reasons they should be glad they are no longer "on the market". I attended a speed dating function with my church. (I know, I know, I brought it on myself) ... And I left almost in tears. It's hard to decipher which emotion was strongest; despair or hilarity.

There were two circles of hard, cold, metal chairs in the gym. The girls sat on the inner circle, the fellas on the outer. We were given cards to take down numbers should we find ourselves intrigued with the person after our 2 minute interview, as well as a paper with "question ideas" which some found helpful. The usual "What do you like to do in your spare time?" and "Tell me about your family" types.

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My favorite question provided on that list: "What is your stance on cannibalism? For or against?" (I don't know about you, but I find this sort of information crucial to dating. I need to know that if the date goes south, and dinner doesn't arrive on time, he won't be considering me as an appetizer. - - At least, not on a first date. I do have standards you know.)

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In fact, I used the question a few times when things felt like they couldn't get more awkward. (Hah!) I asked a man, #5, who at first glance had merit. (Seriously, he looked like the love-child-offspring of 'The Rock' and Rick Fox, if such a thing were possible). He responded "I drink blood. I find it nice when it's been chilled in a chardonnay glass." - And I might have found that a little twilight-hot if he hadn't just admitted to spending 13 years in prison, thus creating the initial awkwardness. I was left wondering why he was in prison, and WHO let him out?

I could have wet myself with the response of another suitor (#12), who said to me "Well. That depends on the situation. Let's say I'm stranded on a desert island with my 5 kids (in my head: Wait. You just said you didn't have kids..?) and I know a helicopter is going to come and save us in 10 days. On day 5 we start to starve. (In my head: Oh my, he's going to eat the babies!?) In that situation? I'd probably start chopping off my limbs and feeding them to the kids to keep them alive." (In my head: Well that's not where I saw this going... but I'm not sure which is worse....) - I stopped asking that question after this guy came around.

Since it's my luck, I also had the misfortune of "running into" an ex-boyfriend (the same one I found out was a pedophile and dumped immediately, I now advocate for familywatchdog.us) who, in spite of our not talking much since 'the incident', seemed to know a great deal about me. This was a striking contrast to the 6 men previous to him who knew (and seemingly wanted to know) nothing about me. 

I learned a lot about them though. One fella has a goal to learn to play 5 instruments. He already knows how to play the recorder, so only 4 more to go! Another dude writes novels. His current book is a "classic in the making" he's been told. Oh, and he's 19. I really wanted to set him up to collaborate with the guy that came by 8 minutes later and told me about how he hunts dragons in his spare time. He was quite the story-teller too. 

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As if the aspect of 30 "first dates" in an hour isn't bad enough, there's the repetition. I mean, I'm a well-rounded person, but I can't give 27 different answers to 'what do you like to do in your spare time?' I had one "date" greet me then say "I overheard that you like photography". I panicked. In that moment I had no idea what else I was I was interested in, nor could I intelligently answer any of his questions about photography because I was too worried I wouldn't know what else we could talk about. I was a tragic waste of his 2 minutes, I could see it in his eyes. 

And it was about this point (he was number 24) that I began to realize the  despair of my situation. The last 3 guys didn't even have a fighting chance. By the end of the night my number card was empty, and my head was spinning. 

I'm convinced they will use speed dating as a form of torture in Hell. (That and car-shopping. Both are equally hell-ish tortures.) You will know what sort of life you lived if you die and are handed a little pink cue-card and a "Hello! My name is:" tag... It's enough to make me behave in this life. Seriously. 

So. To those of you arguing with your spouses about duvets or whose turn it is to do the dishes, bear this one thing in mind: The grass is no greener here than it is on your manicured front lawn with the white picket fence. 

-Mag.